Asking the Deeper Questions...
Guest blogger Brian Buchmeyer is the Coordinator of Marianist Student Initiatives at St. Mary's University in San Antonio. As an unpaid side gig, core to who he is, he helps recruit volunteers for PULSE!
When I was a Sophomore in college I got involved with an organization on campus that led a interdenominational worship service called The Bridge. At the beginning of every service the campus minister asked a question, sometimes they were silly, like “What’s your favorite ice cream” and other times they were more serious like “What’s one thing about your relationship with God that would surprise your parents?” As I spent more time with these folks on retreats and service trips the questions developed a ridiculous title, we called them “Deep Penetrating Questions” or DPQs.
Honesty street. That phrase is uncomfortable, it always makes me uncomfortable to say or hear. However, the phrase holds power because it simultaneously does two things!
First, it’s funny. You MUST laugh because otherwise, the situation will just grow into a large, awkward elephant. It breaks the ice and lets the other person know, “hey I have a sense of humor, and you can too.” Ask any campus minister, therapist, counselor, teacher, or anyone who mentors others for a living. They know that asking personal questions can be very tough, especially at the beginning of a relationship. A person can’t exactly open with “tell me about the last time you felt most alone, and why?” or “What is the most challenging thing about your relationship with your parents?” Those conversations are hard, take lots of time to get to, and often feel forced, along with the answers. DPQs open with a laugh, almost every time, and ease the tension.
Second, it tells the person, I am about to ask you a hard question. Kind of obvious right? We have space carved out in lives for everything; we have a space to be productive, we have a space for worship, a space for humor, and a space for seriousness. Spaces dictate our conversations and the level of detail a person feels comfortable enough to share. We don’t go to church to sleep, although it can be a by product of a boring homily! We have a mindset as we enter that usually draws us toward inward reflection. DPQs do something very similar—they create a mental space that tells everyone in the conversation, things could get serious… As passive as American culture can be at times, I think people generally want to know what to expect. DPQ is about as direct as it gets.
Now, if you are still reading you may be thinking, “this is brilliant!!” or “this is idiotic…” I invite you to settle for both, perhaps “BRILLIANTLY IDIOTIC.”
Does it work? Yes, about 97% of the time, I think it does. One of my favorite experiences was when I travelled to St. Louis with a group of 17 students. The days were insanely long, our service was about 7-10 hours, and by the time we finished and cooked dinner, we were exhausted. On the very first day I stated DPQs in the van. I shared the rules of the game (shared at the end of this post) and started asking questions. Anyone is allowed to ask anyone a DPQ. After the first couple days the students got the hang of it and— boom—the DPQs were never ending. The questions and answers ranged from silly to hilarious to “I can’t cry and drive the van at the same time.”
At the end of the trip one of the Sisters approached me and said “Your students are asking each other the most amazing questions! One asked another about a time in which they were discriminated against and if they could go back, would they change the way they responded?” Moments like that, make my heart happy. Leading and participating in reflections can be draining. I find the conversation feels forced and folks start to repeat themselves. What lacks is the organic natural flow of a conversation. When students start to make it the norm to ask each other tough questions, reflection is happening at all moments of the day, not just at the end of the night!
Questions are at the heart of who we are. We all have an intrinsic desire to know and to be known! Asking questions is at the forefront of both; it invites others to ask us questions and reciprocates in mutuality. By the end of an experience, I always find folks itching to be asked a hard question and it becomes quite thrilling! It also becomes enjoyable to ask a question that someone has never been asked before. Below are some rules, tips, and examples for DPQs. Have fun!
Rules:
1. Announce that we are going to play an ongoing game called “Deep Penetrating Questions” be upfront that it may be intense but promise them it’s a blast. Every time you explain another rule of the game, say the phrase “Deep Penetrating Question” somewhere in there. It’s funny. Own it.
2. Anyone can ask anyone a question. That includes the leader of the game. Leader! If you are not willing to answer very personal questions. Don’t play this game. Mutuality is of the utmost importance here. And probably in life too.
3. Every time a question is asked, “Deep Penetrating Question” must be said. Once folks get really comfortable with asking each other questions, the name has done its job, switch it to DPQ. Especially in areas where it might be a little weird to say.
4. Always say the person’s name. I say “ DPQ for Alyssa.”
5. Everyone must answer the question asked! As a leader step in if it gets too weird/intense.
6. Spread the love. Make sure everyone gets a DPQ before asking someone else another.
7. Play with more than 2 folks and less than however many a van can hold.
Tips:
1. After you introduce the game, choose the person most likely to buy into the game. BUT ask them a silly non-personal question like:
a. If you could be any animal, which animal would you be an why?
b. If you could travel back to any time period, what period would you go to?
c. If you could only wear one T-shirt for the rest of your life, which one would it be?
This does something really important. IRONY. Not every DPQ needs to be intense, sprinkle humorous questions in.
2. Don’t change the name of the game to “deep personal questions” or “deep positive questions,” it doesn’t work. It feels weird to say but I promise the humor is necessary for this to work.
3. Have lots of questions ready at the beginning. You will probably be the only one asking questions for the first day.
4. Listen and remember what folks say then ask follow up DPQs. It is tough! Be ready to have lots information floating around in your brain.
5. Ask each person a unique question, try not to let the folks take control of the conversation and start answering each other’s questions.
6. Use your gut to know when to ask people differing levels of DPQs. It takes some folks a day to acclimate.
7. Own it! Have fun! Don’t force it. Keep the game organic, it needs to feel like an actual conversation, with humor, seriousness, goofiness, realness, and authenticity.
Question examples:
1. What was your favorite childhood show?
2. First childhood memory?
3. What was the last book you read?
4. What was the last Netflix show you binged?
5. If you could move anywhere in the world, where you move to?
6. If you could meet with one person dead or alive who would it be, why?
7. Talk about an embarrassing moment.
8. If you had to trade a current talent you have for one that you don’t, which talent would you gain and which would you lose?
9. What would others say your best quality is?
10. What would others say your worst quality is?
11. What is the hardest thing to accept about yourself?
12. What is one question you wish you were asked but are never asked?
13. When was the last time you cried? Why?
14. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
15. What would you rather live without a cellphone or a house? Why?
16. What is the kindest thing you have ever done for someone else?
17. What is the kindest thing someone else has ever done for you?
18. What is the scariest thing about graduating?
19. If you could solve one social issue in the world what would it be?
20. What was the last realization you had about yourself?
21. What was the last realization you had about the world?
22. If you could change one thing about the Church what would it be?
23. What is your strongest emotion?
24. How would you describe God to someone who has never encountered religion or the concept of a higher being?
25. What is one expectation that others have for you that you wish was different?
 |
| Brian Buchmeyer, left. |
Honesty street. That phrase is uncomfortable, it always makes me uncomfortable to say or hear. However, the phrase holds power because it simultaneously does two things!
Second, it tells the person, I am about to ask you a hard question. Kind of obvious right? We have space carved out in lives for everything; we have a space to be productive, we have a space for worship, a space for humor, and a space for seriousness. Spaces dictate our conversations and the level of detail a person feels comfortable enough to share. We don’t go to church to sleep, although it can be a by product of a boring homily! We have a mindset as we enter that usually draws us toward inward reflection. DPQs do something very similar—they create a mental space that tells everyone in the conversation, things could get serious… As passive as American culture can be at times, I think people generally want to know what to expect. DPQ is about as direct as it gets.
 |
| Fresh carpet at the PULSE house thanks to Brian! |
Now, if you are still reading you may be thinking, “this is brilliant!!” or “this is idiotic…” I invite you to settle for both, perhaps “BRILLIANTLY IDIOTIC.”
Does it work? Yes, about 97% of the time, I think it does. One of my favorite experiences was when I travelled to St. Louis with a group of 17 students. The days were insanely long, our service was about 7-10 hours, and by the time we finished and cooked dinner, we were exhausted. On the very first day I stated DPQs in the van. I shared the rules of the game (shared at the end of this post) and started asking questions. Anyone is allowed to ask anyone a DPQ. After the first couple days the students got the hang of it and— boom—the DPQs were never ending. The questions and answers ranged from silly to hilarious to “I can’t cry and drive the van at the same time.”
At the end of the trip one of the Sisters approached me and said “Your students are asking each other the most amazing questions! One asked another about a time in which they were discriminated against and if they could go back, would they change the way they responded?” Moments like that, make my heart happy. Leading and participating in reflections can be draining. I find the conversation feels forced and folks start to repeat themselves. What lacks is the organic natural flow of a conversation. When students start to make it the norm to ask each other tough questions, reflection is happening at all moments of the day, not just at the end of the night!
 |
| Marianist Leadership Program at St. Mary's |
Rules:
1. Announce that we are going to play an ongoing game called “Deep Penetrating Questions” be upfront that it may be intense but promise them it’s a blast. Every time you explain another rule of the game, say the phrase “Deep Penetrating Question” somewhere in there. It’s funny. Own it.
2. Anyone can ask anyone a question. That includes the leader of the game. Leader! If you are not willing to answer very personal questions. Don’t play this game. Mutuality is of the utmost importance here. And probably in life too.
3. Every time a question is asked, “Deep Penetrating Question” must be said. Once folks get really comfortable with asking each other questions, the name has done its job, switch it to DPQ. Especially in areas where it might be a little weird to say.
4. Always say the person’s name. I say “ DPQ for Alyssa.”
5. Everyone must answer the question asked! As a leader step in if it gets too weird/intense.
6. Spread the love. Make sure everyone gets a DPQ before asking someone else another.
7. Play with more than 2 folks and less than however many a van can hold.
Tips:
1. After you introduce the game, choose the person most likely to buy into the game. BUT ask them a silly non-personal question like:
a. If you could be any animal, which animal would you be an why?
b. If you could travel back to any time period, what period would you go to?
c. If you could only wear one T-shirt for the rest of your life, which one would it be?
This does something really important. IRONY. Not every DPQ needs to be intense, sprinkle humorous questions in.
 |
| The LA Marianist Universities Immersion 2017 at the LA Catholic Worker |
3. Have lots of questions ready at the beginning. You will probably be the only one asking questions for the first day.
4. Listen and remember what folks say then ask follow up DPQs. It is tough! Be ready to have lots information floating around in your brain.
5. Ask each person a unique question, try not to let the folks take control of the conversation and start answering each other’s questions.
6. Use your gut to know when to ask people differing levels of DPQs. It takes some folks a day to acclimate.
7. Own it! Have fun! Don’t force it. Keep the game organic, it needs to feel like an actual conversation, with humor, seriousness, goofiness, realness, and authenticity.
Question examples:
1. What was your favorite childhood show?
2. First childhood memory?
3. What was the last book you read?
4. What was the last Netflix show you binged?
5. If you could move anywhere in the world, where you move to?
6. If you could meet with one person dead or alive who would it be, why?
7. Talk about an embarrassing moment.
8. If you had to trade a current talent you have for one that you don’t, which talent would you gain and which would you lose?
9. What would others say your best quality is?
10. What would others say your worst quality is?
11. What is the hardest thing to accept about yourself?
12. What is one question you wish you were asked but are never asked?
13. When was the last time you cried? Why?
14. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
15. What would you rather live without a cellphone or a house? Why?
16. What is the kindest thing you have ever done for someone else?
17. What is the kindest thing someone else has ever done for you?
18. What is the scariest thing about graduating?
19. If you could solve one social issue in the world what would it be?
20. What was the last realization you had about yourself?
21. What was the last realization you had about the world?
22. If you could change one thing about the Church what would it be?
23. What is your strongest emotion?
24. How would you describe God to someone who has never encountered religion or the concept of a higher being?
25. What is one expectation that others have for you that you wish was different?
Comments
Post a Comment